WICASTA LOVELACE

We Do Not Kneel

My doctor is low-key horrified that I'm washing my hands of the medications he's prescribed, however long that process may take. But I keep going back to one of my favorite lines from Game of Thrones, which resonated with me to my core. It was one simple line; “We do not kneel.”

Learning anything from anybody is essentially about rewiring our brains and habits, about changing our reality. And that's not necessarily a bad thing if we are self-destructive and putting ourselves at risk. But I also believe some of us can do that without help; in fact, sometimes the people trying to help only make things harder.

I keep thinking about God / gods. I never found God in a church. I never found God in the company of self-described Christians. But I was once alone deep down one of the remote trails in the Kings Mountain Battleground, standing by a stream on an overcast day, and the sun briefly shone on a random but beautiful bend in the stream. As I walked along on this grey, overcast day, this happened several times, whenever I would come to a beautiful little spot.

In those moments, for the first time in my life, I strongly felt the presence of Gods / gods / whatever. It was very simple. Very childlike. It was like God was showing me, in a simple way, “Look at that. Isn't it wonderful?” And it was. Ever since then, I think of that matter-of-fact simplicity. Everything really is that simple. That's what I've always tried to burrow down to. That simplicity. Yes, I know something is wrong with me, according to society's standard scales. But there's nothing wrong with me. I'm just not good at complying with their expectations, or adhering to an assigned role. And where the conflict has always come in with me is where I've tried so hard to be what someone, everyone, else wanted me to be when I knew that was not who I am.

Therapists and self-help gurus are always horrified when you say "There's nothing wrong with me" because they want to “fix” us by aligning us with society's expectations of what “normal” is. It causes conflict within us, because we then try to “fix” ourselves, we accept the idea that we're broken because we can't be what they want us to be. But I'm through letting anyone else tell me how I can fix myself. I'm not broken. Society is broken. The system is broken. It's all artificial. What they actually expect of us is that we accept and abide by the rules and expectations of society. That's all they want. And it's profitable to help others conform to those templates, which is why there's no shortage of people professing their ability to do so, whether it's through religion, therapy, or pharmaceuticals.

We're not all the same. We are each individual manifestations of the Universe, made up of materials that existed for millennia before they coalesced into us, and which will exist for millennia after "we" are gone. We are each gloriously unique, a moment in time which will never happened again. Our path is unique to each of us, and we each have to find our own way, because that is what life is all about. People often ask me “How are you?” and when I say “I am” they don't realize I mean that literally. As long as I am, then I AM. It's really that simple. All the rest is details, as long as I am. I am a mess, but I AM. And while I may always be a mess, I AM. And I don't want to be anyone else.

In the end, for me it all comes down to someone else trying to define me, or trying to define how I should define myself. Doesn't matter if that's a religious leader, or a therapist, or a self-help guru. All they have are opinions. And when they ask me to comply with their vision of what is normal and what I should be, we have a problem. Because I do not kneel.

I'm tired of trying to do so to get along.

~ March 07, 2025