Schemes, Dreams and Plans

I’m still at a truckstop in Oak Creek, Wisconsin. It’s going to mean some hard running, getting this load delivered on time, but I have only myself to blame. I was tired last night and just wanted to sleep, but instead wound up tinkering on the Internet for a while. I have a few things on my mind, so I thought I’d get them out of my system before I go.
I’ve pretty much made up my mind that I’m not going to be playing Everquest II much in the future. Mara being made High Council actually helps there. She’s not going to have the time to play with me, and without that I really don’t have much interest in the game. This is not a bad thing, because I’ve been thinking a lot lately about writing. I still believe that getting off my ass and writing a book is the only way we’ll ever break this cycle of poverty that we’re stuck in. Whether I like it or not, it looks like U.S. Xpress is going to afford me some free time, and I could better use that to write than running around in some virtual world as a dark elf monk. So we’ll see.
Mama’s been irritating Mara and I both lately by talking of getting an apartment. She saw how Kate (my uncle Robert’s wife) is living in a nice community up near or in Stanley, and Mama has it in her head that she’ll live like that around King Mountain. Maybe she’s just wanting some independence for the first time in her life. All I know is that Mara and I committed to a house we didn’t want (and 15-year loan and monthly loan payment that we certainly didn’t want) because Mama was absolutely set against the idea of selling the house. And now that she’s hung that particular albatross around our necks, she’s going to bail? I think that would leave Mara and I both feeling very bitter; we committed to something that’s going to loom over our lives for a long time, and we did so because of Mama, to keep her happy. Now she’s ready for something else? Of course, there’s also the possibility that Mama is using this apartment thing for leverage. She wants us to stay on the road and drive, because she liked having all that money coming in. I don’t think she understands that, while we certainly won’t be bringing home the same big paychecks, we’ll be doing a lot better once Mara gets back to work.
I talked to Victoria for a long time last night on AIM. Mara wouldn’t be happy to know about that. Mara used to say she didn’t care, but now I think she’s a little jealous of Victoria. Of course, after her stalled “non-fling” with Bobby it’s natural that she would be jealous of me. She’s a little afraid that I’m going to skip out on her. Whether or not anything physical actually happened between her and Bobby (and I know that she would never, ever admit it if it did), she essentially gave me a free waiver. She knows this. But Vic is a good friend, and nothing more. Whatever chances we had at romance are long in the past. I don’t take my obligations and commitments lightly.
Anyway, Vic kicked me in the ass a good bit about writing and about getting off my ass and doing something. She stroked my ego a bit by telling how talented I was, etc, and a small part of me needed to hear that. Sometimes I feel like Mara, who has admitted to be intimidated by me when we first met, has broken me down to size. It seems like whenever I talk about my art or about my writing, Mara’s eyes glaze over. I don’t blame her. She’s heard all this stuff so very much. But it was nice to hear someone tell me that they thought I was a great writer, and that I needed to do something with it. That’s not the only thing we talked about. We also talked, among many, many other things, about what a frustrating, fucked-up puppy I am. That’s something that Mara writes about in her Blog all the time. Vic said I was a closed book.
All I’ll say is that Vic gave me some things to think about. It’s nice to get an alternate opinion. Especially when that opinion is supportive. Mara, God bless her, has heard my schemes, dreams and plans so much through the years that she just sort of nods. And who could blame her? Maybe I just needed a fresh perspective and a little outside encouragement. Either way, I think I’m going to be trying to spend more time writing than playing Everquest II.

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