180 Miles To Bristol

Heading up to Bristol, Tennessee for delivery this morning. I stayed at home last night. I’m worried that I should have left earlier. I estimate it’s about 180 miles to Bristol the way I’m going. I’ve allowed myself four hours to drive it.
It’s possible I shouldn’t have come home at all. Now instead of facing Friday well rested, I’ve only had a few hours of sleep. That’s silly when you consider that unless Epes does something unexpected, I’ll be back home this evening.
Speaking of which, that brings up another issue. Not a big one, but something that bothers me a little. Mama is going to Georgia with Doug and Margaret today, for the weekend. She’ll leave at 10:00. I’m looking forward to having a weekend alone with Mara. But I was a bit surprised to find out that she’s going out with friends tonight. Well, given that Mama won’t be there, that is. Maybe I’m just arrogant, but I thought she might want to sqend as much time alone together as we can, since we rarely get the opportunity. I really don’t know why this bothers me. We’ll still have the rest of the weekend.
I guess I should admit that the spectre of Bobby rears its ugly head. No small wonder. Mama works on me constantly. Mara had an interview with that bank in Shelby last night after she got off work. Mama was like “don’t you think that’s a little strange?” (having an an interview that late). I hadn’t really thought about it. Thanks, Mama. Now if Mara doesn’t get the job I’ll be going hmmm. It probably only seems a little interesting when you consider that this is the third Friday in a row that Mara has gone out, and if I know Mama, that’s what she’s thinking about.
So this all leads to the obvious question. Do I think Mara is running around on me? Well … no. But she has looked elsewhere before. Whether or not she actually physically consummated that particular interest is beside the point (that would have just a marriage breaker; the damage to my trust of Mara was done regardless). I can’t ignore the fact that had we not been married when that happened our relationship would have ended. I wouldn’t have been willing to spend the rest of my days wondering.
But we were and we are married. I don’t wonder too much about such things. I trust Mara. At least to the extent that I don’t automatically assume that she’s gone to see someone else if we she works late or goes out with her friends or has a 6pm job interview. So far Mara has triggered no real alarm. But she’s set some bells to wringing on the perimeter wire. This doesn’t qualify as doubt. Just a heightened awareness. Yes, I trust Mara. I couldn’t function if I didn’t. But some of what she does seems a little odd.
I also understand that if it should happen again that Mara found somebody who dazzled her and she explored that possibility, whether or not she consummated it we would be finished. After a second time, I couldn’t live with the doubt. I hate that such such thoughts are even in my head. But Mara put them there. This will be the third Friday in a row that she’s gone out with her friends. What am I supposed to think about that?

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