Mara really hurt me last night. Basically, I feel like I was ambushed. She told me I had hurt her feelings, and that she had posted in her blog about it, so when I got home, I looked. She posted an exchange between us, out of context, and it really makes me look like the biggest asshole in the world. What follows is exactly how she posted it.
akirein (10:50:25 PM): come home. i need a good cry
Wicasta (10:53:08 PM): Whut?
Wicasta (10:57:41 PM): You ain’t turning into one of those drunks that cries all the time, are you?
akirein (10:57:59 PM): no
akirein (10:58:13 PM): i’m turning into the person who cries when they ,oss their dad
akirein (10:58:53 PM): miss even
Wicasta (10:59:37 PM): Somewhere in the forest I just heard a bear trap snap.
akirein (10:59:58 PM): don’t pick on me
This misrepresents our conversations. What Mara did not provide was context. Prior to this exchange, I had been trying to tell her funny stories to cheer her up because she had told me she was a little sad. So for about an hour I had been joking around about things. Our conversation was a normal one. We were not discussing her feelings or emotions. We were not discussing how much she missed her dad. We were both sort of joking around, and in a general sense.
That’s why when she said “come home. i need a good cry” I said “whut?” because it was such an abrupt left turn. I didn’t know anything about her breakdown in Everquest or that she had been crying. She never mentioned it. So I tried to make another joke, because I knew that she had been drinking, which is why I said “You ain’t turning into one of those drunks that cries all the time, are you?”
When Mara said “i’m turning into the person who cries when they miss their dad” I realized I had fucked up. I also realized that I would be made to pay for it. That’s the way it works with Mara. That’s what the bear trap reference was about. I’ve often found myself in trouble with Mara without knowing how I had gotten there, like I had stepped on a bear trap. It’s an obscure reference between us, and she knows what I mean by it.
Now, after the fact and knowing about what was going on at the time with Mara, I understand why this played out the way it did. But by posting our exchange, Mara has totally misrepresented what was going on between us, and made it seem like I’m an insensitive asshole who could care less that she’s missing her dad.
Mara posted “I started the raid tonight and started crying halfway in. i haven’t stopped crying yet. i feel raw, sensitive. and of course kevin just made me feel like shit for it.” That makes it sound like I knew what was going on with her when I said the things I said, instead of my only clue being “I need a good cry.” I should also point out that she’s been emotional all week, and on any other day my response to that would have simply been cause for a snappy comeback (which is what I expected).
If the full content of our conversation up to that point had been posted, it would be obvious that the excerpt that she posted was an abrupt shift in tone and direction, and it would also be obvious as to why I didn’t catch up to it right away.
I notice Mara didn’t post anything about me apologizing for hurting her feelings. That’s revealing. She also didn’t post anything that came later, when I tried to so hard to make her laugh and cheer her up, to make up for my mis-step.
This hurts me because it’s essentially a hatchet job, and it’s what I usually get from Mara. I shudder to think about how I’m portrayed to Mara’s friends and co-workers, but I think this is a good example of how I might be. It would explain a lot about why Nikki and A.J. seemed to want nothing to do with me when I met them at the movies that time, if they think I’m the kind of asshole that Mara has portrayed in her post.
If this is what Mara thinks I am, then I don’t see that our marriage has a future.
I understand that Mara is emotional about her father. I understand from personal experience that she has regrets that will haunt her for the rest of her life. I would give anything if I could go back in time and spend that one hour with my father the Christmas before he died, because that was my last chance to see him. That has tormented me ever since. So in short, I’m sympathetic.
But what happened here was uncalled for. From what I was getting back from Mara, everything was fine except that she was feeling down because this week is the anniversary of her father’s death. From my perspective, on the road and talking to her via text messages over my cellphone, there was absolutely no indication that she was sitting in front of her computer crying or anything like that. So I’m hurt and offended that she would not only corral me into a corner when I had no clue what was going on, but would then post it on the Internet for all to see as evidence of my crimes. This goes beyond the pale, even for Mara.
In short, if she hates me that much, why the fuck are we married? I seem to be asking myself that question a lot these days.