Bad Thoughts

I’ve been thinking bad thoughts tonight. I find myself in an odd mood. I don’t know if I’m simmering or flirting with depression.
What got me started was some rumination about the possibility of losing the house. Mara’s court date over the issue with the maggots at Countrywide is on the 28th of this month. Next week. I believe that if we somehow lose the house it will have been by Mara’s design. I’ve never known of anyone who filed for bankruptcy protection who still lost their house. Considering this possibility has me considering what I will do if that happens.
The answer is obvious and inescapable. I would divorce Mara. This would be the final straw. I could never believe that we lost the house accidentally. That constant doubt would leave no room for peace and comfort. Much less love.
To be honest, Mara killed most of feelings for her when she fucked Bobby. Oh, she never admitted that. But come on. I’m not stupid. She gushed in her blog about how she was deleriously happy and had only “two more days.” Then that weekend she told me she was going to spend the weekend with her friend Cathy (which she never did before or since). Oddly enough she came home the next morning claiming that Cathy and her husband had had a fight. And in later blog posts she talked about being torn between two loves?
Christ, come on! That weekend didn’t seem kosher to me when it happened. When I stumbled across her gushings about Bobby on her blog, all the pieces fell into place. So why didn’t I divorce her then?
Well, I wanted to believe her when she said that nothing happened. And I was willing to pay my penance for being the bad husband who didn’t fulfill her emotional needs so that she had to go looking elsewhere.
But I was never fooled about what happened that weekend. For one thing, she hasn’t respected me a day since then. Who would respect a fool who would believe such a story? She certainly has never missed a chance to bad-mouth me to anyone who will listen, including my own mother. Including our new next-door neighbors who have voiced concerns to Mama about Mara’s name being on the house, and who look away whenever I mention Mara’s name.
Quite frankly, there isn’t much of a marriage here. Losing the house would almost be a welcomed chance to end it. It stuns me to realize that I feel this way. But there it is. I suppose we’ll wait and see what happens next week. But whatever does, it’s clear that Mara and I have a lot that we need to talk about.

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