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Old Softy

I’ve been working on So Long John today. Mostly trying to get the main guitar parts down. I think I’ve pulled that off, but I keep bumping into something that I might have to contend with down the road. When I was listening to the playback, I was singing the vocals parts along with the guitar to see how they fit. I kept thinking about Loyd (my uncle, who the song was written about). I couldn’t sing the lyrics. Couldn’t get them out. I kept thinking about Loyd, so when I tried to sing the lyrics, I kept choking up. Geez. How am I going to sing this damned song if I can’t get Loyd out of my head?
Hopefully at some point I’ll be able to abstract it and just sing the lyrics, without thinking too much about the meaning behind them. Or thinking about Loyd, and all the things I wish I’d said to him but didn’t. Maybe I can top thinking about how long he laid in the hospital, and I never went to see him. I let myself off of the hook by believing that I was avoiding the melodrama of his grandkids, most of whom didn’t come around him much until he was literally laying on his death, and then engaged in a grief competition to prove once and for all who loved him best. Maybe I’ll stop thinking about how I should have set all that aside and went and seen Loyd. There were times in my life when he was like a father to me, and I didn’t show proper respect when I should have. Instead, I wrote him a fucking song that he never heard.
I’m going to finish this song. If nothing else, it’s penance. This is the last chance I have to get these feelings down, to show my family what Loyd Short really meant to me. I just hope I can get it down without fucking it up. And without engaging in too much melodrama.

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