Ritual Monday Ruminations

It’s early on yet another Monday morning. I’m making the traditional dash to the receiver. I just passed through Gaffney, South Carolina. I have to be in Decatur, Alabama by 07:00 Eastern Time. No problem. Right?
As is also tradition, I’m kicking myself for not leaving earlier. Hell, I wish I’d left about noon yesterday. Driven on over. Got a good night’s rest. Been fresh and ready to have at it this morning when empty. That would make sense. The adult, practical approach to my job and responsibilities.
But where’s the fun in that? I have such good excuses this time.
The new computer came in. I spent the latter part of Friday getting it set up, formatting the hard drive, installing Windows XP (I’m resisting Vista for now). Saturday I had to go pick up an ethernet card and a sound card, and spent the afternoon getting those up and running and installing critical software (like World of Warcraft). So I really only got to play around on the thing Saturday night.
Okay, so I played World of Warcraft for a few hours Sunday afternoon before moving on to more important things (like playing Lord of The Rings Online for a few hours).
I finally decided that I should get a little sleep. That’s when things turned a bit dark. Mama was hanging out with her friend, Libby, so I was alone. I lay down on her couch, expecting to drift off quickly. But my mind wouldn’t shut up. I lay there, thinking about hopelessness and suicide. And, of course, the 15 Minute Rule was in effect. That dictates that if it’s critical that you get some sleep, something or someone will wake you up every 15 minutes.
I’m a little disturbed by the thoughts that were going through my head. I wonder sometimes if I’m going to make it. I knew this would be a hard path when I chose it. But I didn’t expect to be burning out so soon. And I have so very far to go.
I doubt any of this makes any sense. But I suddenly find that I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I suppose, really, the secret is to keep myself from thinking about how miserable I am, and just smile like a fucking idiot. I should also be more careful about laying down in other people’s homes.

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