A Quiet Corner

Posted by Wicasta on 05 May 2024.

I'm so tired.

I was just looking over the web site, thinking about different things I need to update. Then I just stopped. It all seems like so much bullshit. Like all creative people, I made the assumption when I was young that all these impulses might lead somewhere some day. And here I am nearing 60 years old, still clinging to this silly notion that it's not too late.

Well... it IS too late. Come on. Who am I kidding?

That's why this web site is so much bullshit. See, you have to present yourself in certain ways to get anyone's attention in our current culture. That's the only way it works. You have to dance through the media landscape like a puppet on strings, and do it in a very specific way. It also helps if you're young and fuckable (I'm neither). WHO you are is irrelevant, because you're just a construct that's being presented to the masses, with the desperate hope that they'll validate you and allow you to make a living as an artist and a creative person.

This usually doesn't work out.

But all of us creative types live under the delusion that it WILL work out eventually.

And then, just like that, you're approaching 60. You're scrambling to pay your bills and pay down debt. None of it is going well, and you've begun to realize bankruptcy might be your only option for any relief. And it all becomes crystal clear.

You're just waiting for death.

That's the only point. It's all you're really doing. I mean, you're not contributing anything to the proverbial discussion. No great works of art. No original insights. Nothing. And you're not getting anywhere, not making any progress artistically, financially, spiritually, or professionally. You exist to breathe air, one grain of sand on an endless beach, shouting out into the abyss "I AM". Although... you're not, really. Are you?

So I sat here this morning looking over the web site. I feel so far removed from it. Whichever version of me created this web site, revamping it with a new look, trying to make it seem more official, hoping to fool people into believing I was a real artist, well, I can't relate to that guy. I don't know what the fuck he was thinking. That guy had hope. He was delusional. I admire his tenacity. But maybe it's time to put the bullshit away for good.

I think the most palpable example of winding it all down is that I've pretty much made up my mind to sell my Alembic Spoiler bass guitar. It's been such a fixture of my life, and has been so important to me for so long, that my wife has joked that if our house was on fire I would save the Alembic first. It also has special meaning beyond its quality as an instrument and my history with it (I've owned it since 1990 or so). When I first bought it, I wrote the Alembic company asking for information about its manufacture. They sent me a data sheet which showed the bass was completed on September 14, 1984. That same day I was standing in a cemetary on a cold day in North Carolina burying my father. I used to think that showed it was meant to be. But now I concede it was just a coincidence. Might as well sell it. Hell, it's not like I'm doing anything with it.

It does make me sad to put away my toys. But I think it's time. The race is run. It actually won't be so bad to find a quiet corner somewhere and wait.