I’m Not Crazy... And Neither Am I

Posted by Wicasta on 15 Mar 2024.

Bipolar 2 and ADHD

They're all wild rides now.

I've visited with new doctors since my last jabbering.

I'm not entirely sure I should write about this here. Or if I should write about it at all. But I will, becuase it's silly that I feel like hiding it. It's going to have an impact on the work going forward, so let's not dance around it.

It doesn't look like I'm on the autism spectrum after all. Well, I may be. We're all somewhere on that spectrum. But it's not the main thing that's been wrong with me all these years. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and ADHD. That's come after a lifetime of no treatment whatsoever, and the past few years of being treated for the wrong thing.

I'm struggling with it, honestly. At first there was a sense of relief. I finally knew what was going on, and a lot of things in my past made more sense. So... why do I now find myself resistant to the diagnosis? Not that I think the doctor is wrong. I'm just having trouble accepting that I have Bipolar 2 and ADHD. That surprised me, because I found myself quite emotional this morning thinking about it.

The “why” of it is fairly evident. Folks just roll with autism. And to a certain extent they roll with ADHD. But when you mention Bipolar, people are like “Whoa, whoa” and immediately think “crazy”. As in literal crazy. America isn't ready for that conversation. The one consistent piece of advice you find on forums by people who are Bipolar is that they're quick to say “I wouldn't tell anyone”. I mean, friends and relatives, sure. But not your employer. Not your co-workers. It seems like a lot of people who are Bipolar have had that conversation, and it usually doesn't go well.

I don't want to dwell on it. However I might feel about it, it is what it is. I have to keep weaning off of my depression medication. Then we'll ramp up to a higher dosage of the bipolar meds. That's when the doctor promises I'll probably notice a difference. I hope so. Right now it all feels like a waste of time.

Oddly enough, even though I decided I wanted to talk about this, I find myself reluctant to write about it. That's the most surprising thing for me. I can complain about how Americans don't want to have this conversation, but I don't seem to want to have it, either.